Well, I have a confession to make. I had the longest lasting crush from Junior High through High School, and even into college. Many of you know this youth crush of mine, as Ben Thomas. Ben moved when I was still in Junior High (and we went to different schools, so I really didn't know him all that well, but he sure was cute!), so it was the perfect, safe set-up. As the years went by, and little crushes came and went, Ben stayed faithful in my mind. No, we didn't keep in touch, it was very much a one-sided crush. When all other boys ended up being jerks, I was sure Ben was better than them all, and it gave me hope. It was much to my surprise, when I was walking to church during my first week of college in a different state, to look to my side, and who should be walking by me, to the same place, but Ben! Of all the coincidences, this was too much! I was so shocked, I completely ignored him. Through the years, I guess this person became superhuman to me, and I couldn't let myself get to know him well because I was afraid my dreams and hopes of him would be crushed. I can imagine that I must have been rude, even mean at times, and offensive which I will forever regret. Obviously, the years have gone by and I have found myself a wonderful man, and am very happily married with wonderful children. I'm giving all this background info because last night, my youth dreams of this superhuman boy were crushed. I guess Ben is human, just like the rest of us, and subject to life's challenges and illnesses as well. He was on abc during a fundraiser for muscular diseases. Ben has lou gahrigs disease, and isn't expected to live to see his daughter grow up. My heart hurts for him and his family and my prayers go out for them.
I guess this was especially hard because I'm dealing with something even closer to home. A few months ago my younger sister was diagnosed with brain cancer. She was 32 weeks pregnant when they found a rather large tumor in her head that was causing her seizures. Three weeks later she had a beautiful baby boy, who is doing very well, and had brain surgery. Only 10 days after, she began radiation and chemo. It has been a hard road for her and her family, but she is doing it! She is my hero as I've watched her be so gracious, loving and kind during a time that is so hard. She just recently finished her treatments Friday. Becky is amazing.
Through these past couple months I have come to understand what the plan of salvation is all about and how to apply Christ's atonement a little better. I remember telling my mom when I was young, "It isn't fair!" and Mom always replying, "Life isn't fair." I don't know why things aren't more fair and more predictable, I only know that's not what this life is about. This life is about love, and when things that seem like they should be constant fail us, love can shine through and bring us peace.
I also know that motherhood and fatherhood are eternal callings, and death doesn't put an end to those callings when we are sealed together in the temple as an eternal family. When death takes a loved one, they can still be with us on the other side of the veil and help us. Death is every bit as much of a miracle as life.
As I have struggled these past months I have felt angels helping me along and comforting me, and I know I am not alone. I know my Grandmas, Grandpas, Great Aunts and Uncles are tending to their posterity and are there for me when I need them. God has shown me his love so many times by sending me angels, both those who have passed on as well as neighbors and friends. My husband has been another one of those angels. Forgiving me quicker than I deserve when I get angry, helping extra with our children while I visit my sister, and being my constant support. I have seen so many of God's tender mercies, and I know that this life is bigger than death. I have come to cherish time with my family and children more. I am realizing that this life isn't about a long to-do list, but about loving and serving those around me.
I love my sister and I know Heavenly Father loves my sister, just as he loves all his children, and He is taking care of each of us in his many different way. There are angels watching out for her, both in the spirit and in the flesh. I am forever grateful for the temple and eternal families. These truths have given me strength and peace and I am grateful for the knowledge I have of them. This is my hope and my faith.
